i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
