He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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