Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
