We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
