Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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