So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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