I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
