I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
