I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
