so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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