Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
