with your own penis?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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