I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
