every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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