he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
