i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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