if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
