we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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