So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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