I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
