the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
