I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
