Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
