I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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