Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
