He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
