you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Everything about him screamed your future.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
