you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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