Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
