i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We had to coat check the pizza.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It's shark week go big or go home
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
