that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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