I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
