There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
