Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I seem to have left my pride at pride
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
