ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
