We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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