1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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