i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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