i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
