We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
