If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Randomize
