I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
