I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
