sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
