I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
