I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
