If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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