Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
