after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
ttyl tear gas
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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