I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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