I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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