the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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